In The M•I•D•D•L•E Of It All (entry #3) - How to Support Aging Parents Without Losing Yourself

If you’re in the season of life where you’re raising your own kids while also caring for aging parents, you know how heavy it can feel. It’s a strange in-between—being the one they once took care of, now stepping into the role of caretaker yourself. And while we love them and want to be there, nothing can prepare us for the emotional, mental, and physical toll it can take.

As of the writing of this post I lost my dad just 3 weeks ago. A routine doctor appointment turned in a hospital stay that lasted 10 days. We never expected to hear the stage 4 cancer diagnosis, much less were we prepared to step into hospice care at home. There is no right or wrong way to navigate the hospice experience, as loved ones become care takers and nurses without any training.

Our hospice experience with my dad lasted 18 days. The days seemed to go on forever but then it was over in a flash. That may not make sense, but life pretty much takes on a different, unfamiliar pace during hospice and nothing feels normal.

My dad, 81, took his final breath with my mom, my brother, my sister and I at home with him, just where he wanted to be. He was at peace when he left this earthly life and we were grateful when he received his heavenly healing. We can celebrate in knowing he is fully whole and healed in Jesus’ name.

If there’s a message in the story of my dads final 34 days of life, and the new life we are navigating without him is that it is hard, it is different, yet it can still be beautiful.

While it is absolutely necessary to be there for your parents when they begin to need your care, it is vital to show up for your own family and for yourself. Balancing your aging parents needs with your own life, your own family, and your own well-being can feel impossible at times. But here’s the truth: You can support your aging parents without losing yourself in the process.

1. Set Boundaries (Without Guilt)

One of the hardest things about caring for aging parents is the guilt. Guilt that you’re not doing enough. Guilt that you feel overwhelmed. Guilt that you sometimes just need a break. But here’s what I’ve learned—boundaries aren’t about shutting them out; they’re about making sure you have the capacity to show up well.

I spent time at my parents home for 15 of the 18 days of hospice care and I wouldn’t change that for the world. There was a lot of heavy lifting, literally, as my dad gradually lost the ability to stand on his own and struggled to walk from the bedroom to the living room, then eventually was limited to his bed for the duration.

While helping him in and out of bed and supporting him as he walked was hard, these moments of closeness where something I had was grateful to be able to do for him. I can’t say I ever thought I would hear my dad ask me to help him get dressed or assist him in the bathroom but those things were necessary and were my way of showing how much I cared when words were not always getting through.

When things get hard, it’s okay to set limits on what you can realistically do. Maybe you can only visit twice a week instead of every day. Maybe you need to delegate tasks to siblings or hire outside help. We brought in overnight help for the nights my sister couldn’t be there during hospice. She was able to stay up at night and care for dad, while I knew I couldn’t provide that kind of support and that’s just fine.

Maybe you need to say “no” to things that drain you so you can say “yes” to what truly matters. Boundaries protect both you and them in the long run. I much preferred handling the administrative tasks that my mom needed help on. Giving of my talents to make things easier on my mom was a way I could bless her in these hard times.

2. Have Hard Conversations Early

No one wants to talk about the tough stuff—finances, medical care, long-term living arrangements—but waiting until there’s a crisis only makes it harder. Sit down with your parents when things are calm and ask the hard questions:

• What are their wishes for the future?

• What legal and financial plans do they have in place?

• How do they feel about assisted living or in-home care?

These conversations can feel uncomfortable, but they bring so much clarity. It’s better to navigate these decisions together, rather than scrambling when emotions are high. My parents were an open book when it was decided a few years ago that I would have power of attorney over their finances. I had already been assisting with their finances here and there for the last couple of years, so it made things so much easier once dad passed.

Something I didn’t know until this experience was the importance of having a trusted person (myself, in our case) on my moms financial accounts to avoid probate in the future. It will also help when I will eventually need to handle more of her finances in the future.

3. Accept That You Can’t Do It All

You are not meant to carry this alone. Whether it’s siblings, extended family, professional caregivers, or a support group, let others step in. There is no shame in asking for help.

Maybe that looks like hiring someone to help with housework or arranging transportation to doctor’s appointments. Maybe it’s leaning on friends who’ve been through it or joining a community of caregivers who get it.

Letting go of the idea that you have to handle everything yourself isn’t failing—it’s making sure you can be present without burning out.

My choice for finding support during this hard time was to open up to my closest friends, my Bible study ladies, and my church leaders. Having others to talk to who have gone through navigating life with aging parents or losing a parent has been so valuable.

4. Make Time for Yourself (Without Apology)

You cannot pour from an empty cup. If you’re exhausted, emotionally drained, and running on fumes, you’re not helping anyone—not your parents, not your family, and certainly not yourself.

Make rest a priority. Whether it’s a morning walk, journaling, lunch with a friend, or even just sitting in silence for ten minutes, carve out space for yourself. You are allowed to take care of you, too.

It was extremely important for me to continue to get good sleep during the last month of my dads life. I would go to great lengths to help in whatever way I could but I knew I couldn’t be helpful if I was exhausted. There was one day during the hospice time that I was thinking about skipping my daughter's state championship in her favorite sport.

I didn’t decide until the morning of the event whether I would go or not because I was seeing my dad’s health declining so much. I went ahead and traveled several hours out of town and back for the event and was so glad I did. It was such a good thing for my heart to see her doing what she loves and putting her first.

5. Find Joy in the Moments You Have

It’s easy to get caught up in the stress—the doctor’s appointments, the difficult conversations, the endless to-do lists. But don’t forget to look for the good.

Cherish the conversations, even when they repeat the same stories. Laugh at the little things. Savor the moments of connection, because one day, those will be the memories you hold onto.

My dad’s time in hospice allowed my bother, sister, mother and I to spend more time together than we had in many years. We tended to dad, worked together on things a round the house, laughed and appreciated the time together, no matter how hard it was to accept the inevitable end.

Loving Them Well While Honoring Yourself

Caring for aging parents is one of the most sacred and challenging roles we’ll ever step into. It requires patience, love, and sacrifice. But it shouldn’t cost you yourself.

By setting boundaries, having honest conversations, asking for help, prioritizing your own well-being, and finding joy in the process, you can navigate this season with grace.

Because at the end of the day, the best way to care for them is by also taking care of you.

With love and a whole lot of grace!

Julie

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